A Spiral So Fast

Today is hard. I was supposed to wake up and go on a short trip, and it was so important to me. I began to panic. I woke up a couple hours later, still down on myself. By late afternoon, I was sobbing. I wondered if I was losing my bond with my baby. I wondered if I even deserved to have a baby. I wondered if I was giving my baby stress as the first sounds heard in utero may very well be my sobs.

That thought makes my heart ache. All I can do is remember that this will pass. I don’t believe it, not really. I feel as though I’m trapped in a room with no doors and now windows. I feel like the starling, the little bird, in Laurence Sterne’s A Sentimental Journey:

“I can’t get out,” said the starling.—God help thee! said I, but I’ll let thee out, cost what it will; so I turn’d about the cage to get to the door; it was twisted and double twisted so fast with wire, there was no getting it open without pulling the cage to pieces.—I took both hands to it.

The bird flew to the place where I was attempting his deliverance, and thrusting his head through the trellis, press’d his breast against it, as if impatient.—I fear, poor creature! said I, I cannot set thee at liberty.—“No,” said the starling—“I can’t get out—I can’t get out,” said the starling.

But the key here is to remember that the cage, the room, they are in my head. They are not real. And I may not believe it, but it is true. My baby will hear plenty of calm, loving words in my voice before s/he is born. I will wait, as patiently as I can, for this to pass.

8 Comments

  1. story3girl said:

    Oh honey.  I want you to know you are not alone.  I am so sorry you are going through this downturn.  I want you to feel better, for your baby but especially for you.  Holding your hand.

    May 19, 2012
    Reply
  2. Leah Marie said:

    Sending you lots of love.    

    May 19, 2012
    Reply
  3. *hugs* Know I am sending positive thoughts your way and keeping you in the light. <3 

    May 19, 2012
    Reply
  4. Frelle said:

    Im so sorry you had a day like this.  I know the feeling, when you know its in your head.. but it doesnt make what you feel any less valid, or difficult to overcome.  You are already a wonderful mom by realizing and reaching out when you’re not ok.  *HUGS*

    May 19, 2012
    Reply
  5. Anne-Marie said:

    Thank you, everyone, for your kind thoughts and words. I’m hanging in here, still waiting for this to pass, and trying not to let it get me into a panic. It means so much that you come here to tell me that I’m not alone.

    May 20, 2012
    Reply
  6. Mirjam Rose said:

    I’m having a rough time myself, so In can really relate.
    It’s hard to imagine that this will pass. But it will, it will pass and you will get better. And some time in the future, you will look back on theses days and realize that it’s all in the past. Don’t give up, it will be worth it. Lots of love to you.

    May 20, 2012
    Reply
  7. Jenrenpody said:

    I am sending you my love & hugs. This will pass. You will be the mom that your baby needs. It does get better. In the meantime keep reaching out for support. You have a whole army ready to surround you with love.

    May 20, 2012
    Reply
  8. So tough. I’m feeling a bit that way myself, but trusting that it will pass. And one thing I do know is that it becomes easier to feel that bond with your baby as you get further along.

    May 29, 2012
    Reply

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