Give Me Your Money

If you already have, thanks! If you have not, you really need to do so. Because I found someone who needs this dress more than I do. Or the universe found her for me. I don’t know if she would be comfortable with me linking to her blog. I can’t find her first name. But I can quote her. First, she wrote a post called “Buzzing Fog,” which brought tears to my eyes because I could not have and have not ever said this better, myself:

I have to be clear, I’m not talking about anxiety like you may be imagining. I’m not talking about a stream of conscious thought about all the bad things that will happen.

There are very few words in this anxiety.

When I am anxious like this I tunnel down, and real clear conscious thought is almost impossible. The anxiety is not about conscious thought. It is a feeling disconnected from and beneath all thought, because the anxiety has slipped away from where I can examine it from the conscious mind. My conscious mind ends up sticky and slow.

I have never talked to anyone who seemed to understand my kind of anxiety like this. Not ever. It’s like she went into my head on my very worst day and described what she saw, there. I am serious when I say that no one has ever written a better description of the anxiety I feel, the kind that has kept me awake so many nights these past weeks. It really, really is a “buzzing fog.”

Then, she wrote about the Traveling Red Dress, and brought tears to my eyes again.

I love the call to joy that is this project. I hope someday I am willing to take that feeling to heart and do something for myself that is equivalent. Right now I would never ask for a dress – I don’t feel like I deserve one. I realize that’s the point, that everyone deserves joy and to feel beautiful and wonderful and real and to just be, alive, without judgement. I just don’t feel it right now.

By the time I read that, I was already thinking that this woman obviously needs to have the Traveling Red Dress I am making the second I am done with it.

Then, I kept reading. And the universe started to really get the point across.

Fear of pain is a reason for so much smallness in my life – fear of loss, fear of being judged, fear of hurt. The truth is that if I turn away from the pain – the mistakes I make as a parent, a friend, a volunteer, an employee, a wife – I turn away from the joy.

So, keeping that in mind, feeling the fear and feeling lost – I contemplate mailing a purple satin dress away to someone who might need it for prom. Then I contemplate donating to this project – because I love the idea of a hand sewn dress, one that will last and last through a number of wearers.

Yes, that link is to my blog post. I was quite shocked, having never seen a link to my own blog in a blog I was reading. Except when I knew it would be there, like the time Avi posted my This is What a Feminist Looks Like post on The Mamafesto.

I could go on about this person I found who makes me feel like I’m not the only person who thinks the way I do, about how she just had a baby and gives me a glimpse into my own future, about how I feel like it’s going to be okay because there are people like us who speak up and find each other. But instead, I’m just going to say:

Thank you. I hope you read this, so that you know how much it means to me that you write about this, too.

And,

Universe, I hear you! Loud and clear!

So. People. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY. Or fabric. I need seven yards of taffeta. She needs it. We need it. I have to start sewing. The pattern is in the mail.

I’m going to write to people who sell fabric (again) and beg them for donations (again) just in case I get through to someone. I thought I had fabric–an Etsy seller said she would happily donate. Then, she asked why this isn’t an “official” charity. I explained. I never heard from her again. Only one other Etsy seller even responded to my message (I wrote to ten people), and she was absolutely lovely but has only two yards of fabric. Point is, I’m doing more than asking for your money. But seriously, I probably need it to make this thing happen.

Finally, a huge giant THANK YOU to the three people who have donated. You make my world a much happier place.

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