Depressed, Postpartum: A Short Update

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Feeling hopeful and enjoying these chubby cheeks.

I have plans to actually go do something for fun with a friend who lives here in Connecticut, and not far away, so I’m going to make this short. (Yes, I am incredibly proud of myself!)

I did not hear my doctor say “Postpartum Depression” yesterday. I have mixed feelings about this. What she did say is accurate and wonderfully helpful. The focus was, as it should have been, on what to do to help. I am to take Bendaryl as a sleep aid, since it works well, on a strict schedule. I am to take my meds on a strict schedule. I have been “compliant” with all of my medication, but my sleep has been so erratic that I don’t take them at the same time every day. That might help. I am also to take a higher dose of my SSRI (one kind of antidepressant), Effexor.

I immediately filled the new prescription and have started the new dose. I am much closer to following the new schedule. I took the Benadryl and slept. Walter, may God bless his tiny heart, put himself to sleep in his co-sleeper after filling up on milk. I hit snooze on my alarm for two hours, but it’s progress.

The mixed feelings I have about knowing that this could be much, much worse? I worry that I got everyone who reads this all worked up over nothing. If it’s just a phase, just a low-mood, might pass on its own but lets give the meds a boost anyway… do I have the right to be posting alongside women with “real” depression?

And then, the emails came. Two. They said “me too.” One, from a dear friend, said that me writing about my feelings so publicly gave her the courage to write and tell me about her PPD diagnosis. No one has said that I don’t feel terrible enough to be asking for help or to be writing about depression. Right in this moment, I feel the truth in that. I am depressed. I could be much more depressed. I could also be two inches shorter or taller. It’s neither here nor there.

Thank you for your support. Thank you for telling me that I have helped you. Thank you for asking me questions. Thank you for talking. Silence is the enemy, here. All monsters are very scary in the dark. Turn on the light, and they might not be so very big after all.

3 Comments

  1. judy said:

    You taught me that talking, getting your feelings out is always the right answer. Keeping them rolling around in your own mind builds up the darkness, sharing them lets the light in, then those thoughts aren’t as scary. You sought the help of your support team that you have gathered around you, an example of going in a positive direction. Life, you know better then anyone, throws us curve balls every now and then but you are strong and you are wise. You are going to get throught this patch and along the way you will be helping many other people just by openly sharing your feelings big or small. You have a beautful heart!

    February 16, 2013
    Reply
  2. judy said:

    You taught me that talking, getting your feelings out is always the right answer. Keeping them rolling around in your own mind builds up the darkness, sharing them lets the light in, then those thoughts aren’t as scary. You sought the help of your support team that you have gathered around you, an example of going in a positive direction. Life, you know better then anyone, throws us curve balls every now and then but you are strong and you are wise. You are going to get throught this patch and along the way you will be helping many other people just by openly sharing your feelings big or small. You have a beautful heart!

    February 16, 2013
    Reply
  3. Lindsay Okruch said:

    You are not alone and SO far from it! What is not said enough is that PPD is NORMAL, PPD happens to MANY women. With my first I had SEVERE PPD and felt so guilty that I wasn’t bonding with my baby. So many people I talked to would say, “I would throw myself under a bus for my baby.” I couldn’t even remotely relate to that. Way to go for being honest and breaking the social expectation that motherhood is blissful and sweet (which it is /some/ moments, just not all moments and certainly not for all people.) Stay strong, you WILL feel yourself again. :)

    March 4, 2013
    Reply

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