Day One

This morning, I wrote for Psychology Today about feeling “mommy guilt” before I am even pregnant (as far as I know) in part because I want to have a home birth and will instead be in a hospital. Because of the meds. And the risk to the baby. And you can go read about that over there.

Here, I want to illustrate for you why I want a home birth in a more personal way:

Me & Mom, on October 12th, 1984.

My mom had me at home, and this is what we looked like later that day; she gave me this picture so that I would have a reminder that she loves me no matter what.

Mom, I’ve been pretty hard on you. Often. But when I look at this picture, I can totally picture the day I’ve heard about so many times. I believe my aunt when she says that you were amazing and calm and made childbirth look easy. I believe that the midwife remembers my birth. I believe that after giving birth to me, you joined your friends and family to eat chocolate croissants. I wish I could give the same thing to my baby. The best I can do is make sure that you’re there when he or she is born.

Okay, so I’m a little exhausted from insomnia (up at 3 am this morning) and I spent all day cuddling the cutest newborn and I maybe miss her tons even though I spent ten hours with her. I am totally and completely baby crazy. I couldn’t help writing a sappy, post about this photo after including it in the piece for Psychology Today. If you had a picture like this, wouldn’t you get sappy, too? Look at the way she’s holding my tiny feet! Look how beautiful, relaxed and happy she looks, even though she just gave birth! Doesn’t she just look thrilled to have me in her arms?

This is why I always thought I would have a home birth. Always. And even though I’m scared and sad about having to go to the hospital for the safety of the baby (possible withdrawal from the meds), this picture helps me keep my eyes on the prize–I want to be present and peaceful during my first hours with my baby, just like my mom was with me.

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